I just wrote an adorable little-kids story., enjoy to your inner child's content. Options

[Rebecca]

The girl and her dog

Once upon a time, there was a dog who had gotten lost from his family. He got very hungry, but living on the streets had made him look scary, so people were afraid to become friends with him, and wouldn't feed him. One day, the dog was stumbling around, on the verge of starvation, when he met a little girl named Mary. Mary helped the dog get better. She cared for him and fed him until he looked and acted like his old self before he'd gotten lost. He asked her, "Aren't you scared of me like everyone else?" Mary said, "No. I'm blind, and can't see what you look like. But I can tell, just by your voice and what you do that you're a nice dog who just needs a friend." The dog became very attatched to Mary, and wanted to help her like she had helped him. Mary's parents couldn't afford to buy a professionally trained seeing-eye dog, so the dog decided that he would lead Mary wherever she went. Since Mary had just about saved the dog's life, she decided to name him Chance, and they went everywhere together. One day, Mary's parents found a missing dog poster for Chance, and knew that his original owners missed him very much, and decided that the best thing to do was to return him. They brought Mary and Chance to the family, and told them how much the two had become friends and helped each other, and how much the two had changed each other's lives. The family decided to let Mary keep her new friend, and the two grew up together happily ever after.


I totally got this idea after watching Dogs101 all day.........

[Noviwan]

I like the sound of it? is this all or will there be more you can illustrate make children's book

[Rebecca]

I was actually thinking of illustrating it. This is all, regarding the storyline, at least until I edit it to where I don't have any big words. But, I will be sure to show the illustrations once I have them.

[Noviwan]

YAY I would enjoy that muchly for mine eyes

[Rebecca]

I'll start drawing it tomorrow, probably. It's like, 11:00 here now.

[Noviwan]

just passed midnight here for me

[EBWonder]

The girl and her dog

Once upon a time, there was a dog who had gotten lost from his family. He got very hungry, but living on the streets had made him look scary, so people were afraid to become friends with him, and wouldn't feed him. One day, the dog was stumbling around, on the verge of starvation, when he met a little girl named Mary. Mary helped the dog get better. She cared for him and fed him until he looked and acted like his old self before he'd gotten lost. He asked her, "Aren't you scared of me like everyone else?" Mary said, "No. I'm blind, and can't see what you look like. But I can tell, just by your voice and what you do that you're a nice dog who just needs a friend." The dog became very attatched to Mary, and wanted to help her like she had helped him. Mary's parents couldn't afford to buy a professionally trained seeing-eye dog, so the dog decided that he would lead Mary wherever she went. Since Mary had just about saved the dog's life, she decided to name him Chance, and they went everywhere together. One day, Mary's parents found a missing dog poster for Chance, and knew that his original owners missed him very much, and decided that the best thing to do was to return him. They brought Mary and Chance to the family, and told them how much the two had become friends and helped each other, and how much the two had changed each other's lives. The family decided to let Mary keep her new friend, and the two grew up together happily ever after.


I totally got this idea after watching Dogs101 all day.........

1. The dog needs a name. Something simple and easy to say.
2. Your sentences are too long (and complicated) for a picture book.
3. Talking dogs aren't simple enough for little kids... Believe me.
4. What age level are you thinking about?

Once upon a time, there was a dog, named *****. He had gotten lost from his family. He was very hungry and looked scary. People were afraid of him and wouldn't feed him. The dog hungrily stumbed around until he met a little blind girl named Mary. Mary helped the dog get better by caring for him and feeding him. Because Mary was his friend, ***** decided that he would be Mary's seeing-eye dog. They went everywhere together.

One day, Mary's mom and dad found a missing dog poster for *****. They decided to return him because they knew the family missed him. They brought Mary and ***** to the family. They told them how much the two had become friends and helped each other. The family decided to let Mary keep her new friend, and the two grew up together happily ever after.

I edited it a bit, but it's still rough.

please let me know what you think.

[Oscar]

I just don't know about the whole "blind girl" thing for a children's book. But, hey, I don't know, I'm sure it'll work. I know you're not publishing it or anything. (IMG:style_emoticons/default/lalaexdee.gif)

And EB, the dog's name is Chance, unless you meant it should be something simpler and he should have a name from the get-go?

But it's a cool story, Rebecca. Get some illustrations!

[EBWonder]

And EB, the dog's name is Chance, unless you meant it should be something simpler and he should have a name from the get-go?

yes, that is exactly what I meant.

[Oscar]

Ahh, okay. (IMG:style_emoticons/default/lalaexdee.gif) That's what I thought.

[Rebecca]

... There's always a critic. When I think of longer sentences, I mean stuff like breaking the sentence over pages. It's done in Sesame Street books all the time. Also, look at where I got the idea from., a sow made specifically about dogs. And, I'm taking this stuff from my childhood experiences. I well believed that dogs and cats could talk. Thank Disney movies.

[Rika055]

I like this story I always did like the kind where the main character has to overcome hardship.

[EBWonder]

... There's always a critic. When I think of longer sentences, I mean stuff like breaking the sentence over pages. It's done in Sesame Street books all the time. Also, look at where I got the idea from., a sow made specifically about dogs. And, I'm taking this stuff from my childhood experiences. I well believed that dogs and cats could talk. Thank Disney movies.

LOL...they could talk to each other or to those whom were pure of heart (AKA Cinderella) None of the others talked to humans.

Sentences in kids story tend to be SVO based. the older the audience, the more complicated the types and structure will be.

[Mizukithepanda]

Rebecca, the story itself isn't bad in its conception. Teaching young children not to discriminate against others based upon appearances has been the basis for many a childhood story, and is an idea that authors really should continue to use in fiction; however, in your story you use vocabulary and (occasionally incorrect) sentence structure that would leave most children utterly confused and ultimately fail to deliver your desired message.

A story of this length would most likely be intended for children five and under. If you want to reach children of a higher level reading group, you'd need to add quite a bit story-wise and rewrite the tone so that you don't come off as if you're trying to teach them a lesson.

If your story was intended for children five and under, though, what you need to do is much different. First you'll need to simplify your diction. Children can understand complex and compound sentences if the vocabulary and general concepts presented don't go over their heads, but you should try to limit yourself to writing simple complex and compound sentences. Don't use too many conjunctions or combine too many phrases or ideas within a single sentence. Keep it basic. If you write a complex sentence, make sure that it only focuses on one thing and that all extraneous phrases (of which there should be very, very few) directly and succinctly describe what the singular subject of your sentence is about. Furthermore, if you write a compound sentence, try and keep it a simple compound sentence. We're talking plain old subject-verb-predicate simple. Don't over-complicate things by writing complex-compound sentences. Young children generally aren't developed enough to comprehend several different ideas at once. They need to get through each idea presented to them one step at a time, and as such, your story should follow a very linear progression path.

Another thing you need to think about is that you're writing a picture book. The story needs to have ideas that can be illustrated. Your story has too many complex ideas and concepts that aren't easily drawn and can't be explained well with a visual aid.

Take for example something like this:

This cat was the ugliest cat anyone had ever seen.
It had a squashed in, mashed up face, with eyes so thin
you woulda sworn it had no eyes
if it wasn't for that green glow coming from between the lids.
Its nose was black like a dog's and wetter than a dog's too,
with shriveled up folds leading down in a zigzag line.

(This is an excerpt from something I wrote more than five years ago. I don't claim it to be perfect or even particularly good. Also, each line corresponds to a page in a picture book, hence the odd format.)

While it may not be simple enough in some aspects (as a teenager it can be hard to really understand just how simple a child's mind can be), it has several ideas that can be easily depicted in simple illustrations and properly explain to the child just how "ugly" the cat is, even if they fail to understand the actual language used.

EB has the right idea when he says that young children can't understand the concept of a talking dog, but it's not actually the talking dog itself that goes over their heads, but rather the concept that a talking dog is unusual. Animals are a very common personification tool in children's media and so talking animals are something they'll have come across time and time again, but to them a talking animal is the same as a talking human. They cannot grasp the idea of "something doing something it shouldn't" and as a result just won't get that the dog shouldn't be able to talk.

If you're going to include a talking dog, it needs to have a reason for being able to talk. If you just throw it in randomly, the child won't be able to differentiate between the girl and the dog because the concept of "girl" and "dog" will be far too similar.

Anyway, the power's about to go out here, so I'll continue on this when there isn't a storm trying to knock out my electricity.

[Charmy]

^ Writing children's stories just become a whole lot more complicated, eh? (IMG:style_emoticons/default/lalaexdee.gif)

[Mizukithepanda]

It is for adults, because we have to remember that children don't have fully-formed concepts of the things adults do. That's actually what I was going to go into next.

In order for an especially young child (again, we're talking a child under the age of five) to identify "the dog" and "the girl", they need to be presented to them in easy to understand sequences. The child may not have been presented with the idea of a dog yet and so to them, the word essentially means nothing. You have to describe it to them and give them a visual aid to help commit the idea to memory. Same thing with the girl. You have to present the idea of the girl both in literary and visual format so as to reinforce that idea and have the child identify "the girl" as what you're presenting to them.

To use my previous example, a child's understanding might go something like this:

This cat was the ugliest cat anyone had ever seen.

Cat = Ugliest Cat
Ugliest Cat = ???

It had a squashed in, mashed up face,

Face = squashed in, mashed up
Squashed in, mashed up = Illustration

with eyes so thin you woulda sworn it had no eyes

Eyes = thin
Thin = almost no eyes

(if it wasn't for that green glow coming from between the lids.)

This bit is complicated, because a young child would have difficulty connecting it with the previous idea. They'd understand the concept of "green glow" as well as the "between the lids" part due to the illustration, but unless if it's reworded to connect more directly with the "thin eyes" bit, they might have trouble realizing that that's what it's describing. (Again, we're talking very young children.)

Its nose was black like a dog's and wetter than a dog's too,

This requires prior knowledge of what a dog's nose is like. Provided the child has that knowledge they'd identify it as such:
Nose = black
Nose = wet
How Wet = wetter than a dog's
If they knew how wet a dog's nose was, then they'd know how wet this cat's nose was, but if they didn't, all they'd know was that the nose was wet.

with shriveled up folds leading down in a zigzag line.

Folds = shriveled
Where = down
How = zigzag line
shriveled, down, and zigzag line = Illustration


And finally, after being presented all of that, the child should have formed an idea of what the "Ugliest Cat" is, provided they retained the ideas they just learned.

This is why you can't just have dogs randomly talking in books for young children. You haven't presented them with the idea of the dog talking, so it'll make no sense to the child and might prevent them from being able to identify the dog as the dog. It's for this same reason that you need to choose a simple name for the dog and make sure it has it from the start. If you present the dog to the child as "The Dog", then they will come to identify it as "The Dog". Suddenly calling it "Chance" breaks that identification and forces the child to reevaluate the idea they had already been presented.

I know it sounds complicated, and I probably made it sound much worse than it actually is with the way I described it, but when writing for children, you really have to keep their simplicity in mind and utilize it to plant your ideas in their heads. You can't just expect them to know things. They're too young for that.

[Ichigo]

Well-written for children or not.. I just think it's a cute story. ^^"