Another story, with a little help from you guys please Options

[Rebecca]

I have an awesome idea for a story, only I have one small problem. I DON'T KNOW WHAT TO TITLE IT! frustration builds up in my head saying "don't put it online unless you have a title" I have a summary of how it shall go, if it helps anyone.

Ten year old Micheal never seemed to fit in. He was teased at school for a multitude of things, from the odd natural pattern in his hair, to his choice in clothes. One day, he meets an older girl, who looks stranger than a platypus to an eighteenth century biologist. She tells him of his past, which he had never known, and of his new destiny of being an Eternal, one of the only two immortal species. Just one problem. He is now being chased by the other immortal species, the Nevers, and has to discover what potential he holds for this world, before they kill him.



That's about the best summary I can give away without writing a book.

[Hasfusel]

Nonsense. You come up with a title when it's finished, making one before just gives you a psychological restriction.

[Rebecca]

yeah, but wouldn't it seem easier to post when it's titled?

[Hasfusel]

Nah. Just call it "A Story" or something like that.

When you want to finally pick a title, I dunno, try Eternal?

[Rebecca]

that's a possibility. thanks anyway.

[Rebecca]

OK PPLZ! CHAPTER 1 IS NOW READY FOR THE PUBLIC!

Chapter 1:
Micheal stared out of the classroom window, wondering when everyone else would finish the math test. The ten year old boy had finished it before everyone else, giving him time to wonder about everything else. Sunlight poured in through the window, glistening on the blonde lightning bolt stripe that stood out in the rest of his brown hair. It was a natural stripe, not bleached, that he was born with. His khaki pants matched with his orange shirt always seemed odd to the other children, as he always wore something that was orange, without any real reasoning behind it.
“Ten minutes, then everyone hands in their tests,” said the red haired teacher in the front of the classroom. Her hair reached to her elbows, and she was wearing a brown dress that day. The black, high-heeled shoes that she always wore were silent on the carpeted floor. Breaking the long silence was only the tick of the clock.
* * *
Atop a tall building stood three people: one man and two women, each with a concerned countenance. The woman closest to the edge of the building had sea blue hair with waves, not curly waves, but sea waves, deep red hair in disarray was the coiffure of the man, and atop the last woman's head, was brown hair that was the same color as earth. Clouds covered the sky from horizon to horizon, leaving a gloomy feeling on the entire city below.
“Are you positive that it was in this city, Aqua?” asked the man to his blue haired sister. She made no response other than a nod.
“Aduro, may I have a word with you?” asked the brunette sister, and Aduro walked over to her and she swung her arm around his shoulder and began to whisper, “Why in the universe would a Never come to the hustle and bustle of a city other than if an undiscovered Eternal were there?” Aduro agreed with a nod.
“It hasn't shown itself completely in public yet. It's unable to reach its target of Caelestis knows what,” said Aqua, still staring out at the city.
“Perhaps it senses us?” suggested Aduro, looking over to his brunette sister for agreement. She gave no response, as if she didn't hear him. For minutes, the only sound atop that building was the roaring of cars below, and the wildly blowing wind.
“I agree with him, Terra. You're silent as rocks today,” said Aqua to break the silence.
Terra didn't respond, and the other two siblings turned to see her deep in meditation. She was attempting to locate the Never's exact location, other than have it be in an unknown spot in a large city. Her spirit was searching the city, while her body was left motionless on the rooftop, going through every possible place for it to be hidden.
Suddenly Terra's eyes snapped opened, and she sprung up and almost jumped off the building, but Aqua grabbed her saying, “Where is it?”
Panting, Terra responded after snapping back to reality, “It's in a dark alley, crouched behind crates, waiting for a victim to mug.” After a conversation of facial expressions, Aqua pulled her sister back onto the building, making the remark that they should think first, act second.
* * *
Micheal was walking home, contemplating how to tell his mother how he got a black eye without saying that some kids in school decided to pick a fight with him. He realized that he was running late, so he decided to take a shortcut through a dark alley.
Unknown to him, a pair of hungry yellow eyes watched him closely, mouth watering at the thought of the first meal in a long time. The creature was wearing a black leather jacket over a gray muscle shirt, blue jeans, and old, unlaced, brown hiking boots. Atop his dirty, brown hair, was a worn out black beanie. As soon as Micheal passed him by, the creature left his spot behind the crates and quietly followed the boy, not intending to let him leave the ally.
Just as Micheal was about to exit the ally, he was shoved up against a wall. The mugger demanded the money, and suddenly it started to rain. He stared at the sky, as if afraid of the rain, and backed off of the boy, tripping over trash cans and crates behind him.
Suddenly appearing out of a forming puddle, a blue haired girl wearing tight pants so dark blue that they were almost black, and an ice blue jacket that was cut off just above the navel, zipped up, appeared. The rain around her froze, literally, and turned towards the mugger; the last words he would ever hear would be, “Die, Never,” as the frozen rain drops pierced his body, as it returned back into its original form of darkness, and returned to the shadows from whence it came.
“If it sank its teeth into you, boy, you would have died,” said the girl as she watched what was left of the Never melt from the now falling rain. Micheal stared at the dark puddle with fear, half expecting the girl to do the same to him.

[Rebecca]

for anyone who wonders, the names are all (except for micheal) in Latin............

[Hasfusel]

Do you want praise or criticism? Michael is spelt like this by the way.

[Rebecca]

I would like advice........... and the computer counts Micheal and Michael.

[Hasfusel]

There are too many things to list and put in detail, so my best advice is take a writing course. I'm afraid there isn't much to be done for your story... The introduction is completely flawed. Your style of writing needs a POV or it'll be unreadable.

[Rebecca]

its in the third person........ what point of view is there to be had......... the narrator's is the point of view..... Is there a way to possibly edit the intro so that it's not flawed?

[Hasfusel]

That's not how a narrator works. For a style of narration that doesn't involve character's POV's, read The Hobbit or some older story like this. Otherwise, you need to focus on a specific character, setting the scene through their thoughts and actions. It's impossible to get into reading a story otherwise.
If you plan to write this, first study other styles of writing or attend a course. Then build the storyline, think about what's going to happen, plan the structure and write detailed character bios to guide the development of your story.

[Rebecca]

would you rather I post a story in which an ending is slightly closer in sight? It's a pirate story.

[Hasfusel]

I'd rather you studied and focused on developing your writing skills for now.

[Rebecca]

........ twi says you always talk like this, like your some negative pessimist or something.

[Horcrux]

Well, Rebecca,don't get to hung up on his opinion. After all,it is just his opinion, so take it even more lightly then you do to others. ;o
<3