The Misadventures of Saffy, Never was there such a tale of misfortune. Options

[Hasfusel]

Saffy stopped running, and sat down on a treetrunk, exhausted. Panting for breath, he looked back along the path, but it was empty. He seemed to have given her the slip. If he hadn't, he was done for. He just couldn't run anymore.
After a minute, he got up, dusted himself off, and set off. Safe, he thought. But I must say, what a close escape. If that woman had caught me, I'd hav-
He stopped, not believing his eyes. His jaw dropped. It was simply too impossible, but there they were. Three tiny little men, in little green Christmas elf costumes, with matching bobble hats. And green hair. They were playing with a toy train at the foot of a tree. One of them was eating on a tomato. They appeared not to have noticed him.
Saffy stared, dumbstruck. It was beyond him why he could see these little men. He racked his memory, but he couldn't remember taking any non-prescription medication in the last 24 hours. Neither had there been anything to drink recently but cold spring water (more's the pity, thought his subconscious grimly). But there they were, against all probability and rational thought or logic. And they appeared to be sparkling.
One of the little men looked up, smiling. "Hullo!" he said. "Would you like a tomato, budum?"
Saffy tried to speak, but his tongue seemed to be tangled in a knot.
"Don't be shy," said one of the others. His voice was strangely high-pitched. "Celia gave us a dozen for helping with the harvest, budum."
The first speaker was staring at him curiously. "Hey, you're not from around here. Maybe... I got it! You must be from Mineral Town, down that way!"
Finally, he managed to say something. All that came out was "Urg", but it was a start.
"Come on," said the one holding the train. "We'll take you back to the Treehouse. It's not often we meet new people." The little man took Saffy's hand, and they started off down the path, Saffy too stunned to do anything else.
"W-what are you?" he managed. The little man turned round, smiling.
"We're the Harvest Sprites, silly! What did you think we were?" he said, laughing.
"Hallucinations," answered Saffy with certainity. "That's all you could be. Hallucinations brought on by that crazy farmer woman chasing me round."
The sprites all chuckled. "I heard that Vesta had found a man wandering round her farm."
Saffy just nodded, and kept on following the leading sprite.
"My name's Vail," said the sprite, "and these are Fraw and Matthew."
"My name's Matt, too," said Saffy, in a kind of dazed confusion. Just who the heck were these little people? Was this some kind of trick? It had to be. Either that, or the previous events in this crazy valley had messed up his thoughts.
Following the laughing sprites, Saffy continued down the path. Little could he foretell about the terrible events about to unfold.


* * *


Feedback & ideas now please~

[Hasfusel]

* * *

When he walked through the door set into the massive tree, Saffy gasped. There were hundreds of the little men! All dressed in colourful elf costumes, with matching bobble hats. A little baby one in pink pyjamas was sitting on top of a giant mushroom (Saffy's mind was already so shocked that he accepted the existance of the giant, glowing mushrooms with no problem whatsoever) and eating a pudding messily. There was a counter in the centre of the room, where a sprite dressed in blue and wearing glasses sat, playing with an abacus. Dazed and confused, Saffy wandered up to the counter and politely asked where the strongest alcohol was kept.
The little man looked up, surprised. "Hullo," he said. "Who are you? Would you like to hire the sprite team? Only we're closed on festival days, and today's the Beach Opening Day festival. But by all means, take a seat, and we can arrange it for tomorrow."
Still shocked out of his mind, Saffy let one of the little sprites lead him to a mushroom about the right size for a seat (toadstool, he thought dimly) by a wooden stump that served as a table.
"I'm Guts," said the sprite with the glasses. "Who are you, though? I've never seen you round these parts before. Are you the one who inherited the farm to the west, by Takakura's house?"
"N-no," replied Saffy, "my name's Matt." He shook his head, trying to get a grip on reality. "Uh, I'm feeling rather disturbed right now and I need a drink. Where can I find a decent beer?"
"Well, we sprites don't drink alcohol, but Griffin down at the Blue Bar sells s-"
"Where is this bar?" asked Saffy like a shot.
"Follow the path down to the village, then turn right and carry on till you see a small building on your left, by the well. But it's closed, because Griffin's at the festiv-"
But Saffy was already gone, and the door was swinging gently on its hinges.

[Toaster Boy]

Ha ha, Saffy drinking beer. But, do you intend to keep this strictly Harvest Moon-y, or are you going to throw other stuff in the mix?

[Hasfusel]

Oh, don't worry. There'll be plenty to torment our beloved Saffy.

* * *

Griffin came home at roughly quater to midnight, Muffy on his arm. He'd eaten enough for three men (unless of course the men in question were Murrey, in which case he had eaten a good deal less than was enough). Kai really was the man when it came to cooking great food in great quantities. There had been this massive stir-fry, with all the vegetables Griffin liked best. Even Marlin had eaten lots, a very rare thing.
But neither Griffin or Muffy had expected to find that the bar door had been broken open. And they certainly had not expected to see a tall man lying sprawled on the floor asleep when they returned to the bar, drunk as a very drunk person. Bottles of various drinks lay empty around him. There was an almost overwhelming smell of alcohol. The man on the floor was smiling faintly. "Ha... ha..." he said weakly. "Little... green... men..."

When Saffy awoke, he was lying in a hospital bed, and no mistake. He suddenly turned over, and vomited into a bowl as the worst hangover in the history of civilized drinking hit him. He lay back feebly in the bed, and slipped back feebly into unconsciousness.
An hour or so later, he was lying partially awake, one eye open. The world appeared to be underwater. There was a small man dressed in a white shirt and neat black trousers talking to the nurse, who had her back to Saffy. The man had a small, curly moustache, and there was a decidedly feeble set to him.
"I'm ever so sorry, Jeff," said the nurse, "but we're full right now. Is your headache really that urgent?" The little man nodded. "How many headache pills did you take this morning?" asked the nurse.
"Five blue ones, and three of the red ones," replied Jeff. "What, did I not take enough?"
The nurse sighed, exhasperated. Saffy tried to raise his hand and call for help, but it was too much effort. The hangover was like having been hit by a truck. At least there aren't any more little green men, thought the part of Saffy's mind which could still stand up.
As Jeff left the hospital, the nurse (who, Saffy noticed, had a little tag pinned to her coat that proclaimed her name to be Elli) hurried over to the bed.
"Are you alright, sir?" she asked, concerned. "You drank seven bottles of strong liquor last night. And if that isn't enough to give you a headache, wait till you see the bill."
Saffy groaned and slid under the covers.

[Saffy]

Is there going to be more? :0 It's an interesting read.

[Hasfusel]

Saffy walked down the road, a contented smile on his face. Well, it hadn't been too hard to convince the nurse to let him off for free.
He sighed, and swung round into another side path, not bothered about where he was going. After leaving the hospital, he'd left the town immediately, and was now seeking some way of getting home.
Where was this place, anyway? The nurse had said, among other things, it was called Mineral Town. He'd never seen any place like that on any map of Canada he'd seen before. Maybe it was somewhere in the southern states. He'd heard they were full of crazy people and farmers. That would account for the mental farmer woman, anyway. She had reminded him of Cathy Burke playing in Misery, except she had brown hair and wore a yellow apron with pictures of vegetables on it.
Whistling, Saffy followed the path through the trees. If this was in the South, he could find somewhere a little more civilized and get himself a train up north, and then find his way home. He still had a little money in his pocket; the nurse had given it all back after he'd persuaded her and a little more besides. Well, it couldn't be too bad. It was a nice day today. The sun shined through the trees. Nothing can go wrong, he thought.
But that was until he met Skye.

[Hasfusel]

Saffy woke up, noticed he had no clothes on, and wondered how it had all happened.

The young man had just seemed so charming. And besides, it had been starting to rain, and a cold wind had been whipping up. How could Saffy have said no to an offer to come inside the young man's house in the middle of the forest for a mug of hot chocolate by the fire?
The young man, whose name was Skye, was surprised to find Saffy wandering alone in the forest, and had invited him inside to escape the worst of the storm. Skye was a very good looking young man, with silver hair and a voice as soft as summer rain. He wore a white leopard-spot patterned shirt, and purple jeans. He was also very polite and friendly, and was only too happy to help Saffy, a lost traveller alone in the woods.
So they had walked awhile until they had arrived at Skye's house, a little cottage by a stream. Saffy was seated in front of a warm fire, and Skye left the room to make the hot chocolate. Saffy had waited in anticipation, hoping to get a chance to talk to the young man, and maybe to get to know him more personally.
But when the silver haired young man had returned to the room, he wasn't carrying any hot chocolate. There was a faint glow to his eyes. When Saffy rose, puzzled, Skye held out his hands and said, "MAIDEN CHICK - BEAM, FIRE!"
Suddenly, Saffy had found that he couldn't move a muscle. Skye walked over to him, a look of surprised satisfaction on his face, and began to search him for valuables, taking all of Saffy's money, his keys, his watch, his American Express card, and his clothes. He muttered something under his breath and pointed at Saffy, who immediately began to feel drowsy. The last words he heard were, "How surprising, it doesn't usually work on men," before collapsing and falling into a deep slumber.

And now Saffy was alone in the woods again, with no money, no clothes, and no dignity. The rain was beginning to fall again. Saffy swore under his breath and began to run in no particular direction, hoping to find shelter before he froze to death.
It wasn't long before he found the Mansion.

[Hasfusel]

Saffy was drying himself with a towel when the girl knocked on the door. "Are you decent?"
"One minute," he replied. The girl's name was Lumina, she had said. Once she had gotten over her initial shock at finding a naked young man unconscious on the doorstep, she had shown kindness and hospitality to him, giving him some clean clothes and letting him take a warm bath. She hadn't asked any questions about why Saffy was lying naked outside her manor house, but simply helped. Saffy smiled. In the recent unfortunate events of the past week, such kindness was a rarity.
He looked at the clothes she had given him, and grimaced. She said that it was all she had right then, and that he could wear some of her butler's clothes once he had returned from taking her grandmother out for a walk. But even so, Saffy still felt uncomfortable wearing a blouse and a skirt.
He struggled into Lumina's clothes, and stepped out of the bathroom. Lumina took one look at him and burst out laughing, then remembered her class and tried to keep a straight face. "I'm sorry," she said, once she had calmed down. "It's better than nothing, I suppose. Sebastian will be back soon, and I'll be able to take some of his old clothes for you. Until then, I guess you'll have to make do." Saffy nodded grimly. "Are you hungry?" she asked. "We still have some vegetables left over from lunch, and there's bread and butter."
"Thanks," Saffy said, uncomfortably aware of the size of the blouse and skirt. "I'm starving."
As Lumina watched him wolf down the bread and vegetables, she began to reveal her curiousity.
"So, where are you from?" she asked.
"Canada," said Saffy, after a large mouthful of mashed potatoes. At her blank face, he added, "You know, the large country above the Northen States."
"Northen States?" she asked, puzzled.
"You don't-" he stopped, aghast. Where the heck was he, that people didn't know where Canada was? "Never mind. Where am I?"
"This is the Forget-Me-Not Valley."
"Never heard of it," said Saffy. He was genuinely puzzled. Was he in America at all? Even the Southerners must have heard of Canada.
"How did you get here?" asked Lumina. "And why were you... you know..."
"I was robbed as I was travelling," replied Saffy, blushing. "The guy took my clothes, as well as everything else. I don't know how I got to this region. I just woke up and I was lying in a field instead of my bed. First I thought that I was dreaming, then I realised that in dreams you don't fall into ponds and get nibbled all over by inquisitive fish and then get bitten on the backside by an angry turtle."
Lumina listened as he recounted the rest of his story (bar one or two scenes of the more intimate kind with Elli the nurse) and then took his empty plate back to the kitchen. "You say that the Phantom Thief caught you? That's funny, I thought his magic only worked on wom-"
"You know this guy?" interrupted Saffy.
"Yeah," replied Lumina, her cheeks colouring. "He's almost good-looking enough to make me give up on Rock. But don't tell him I said that."
"So, what should I do?" asked Saffy. "I have no money, no clothes (no male clothes, anyway) and no knowlege of where I am."
"You can stay here for a while," said Lumina, smiling. "You can sleep in the basement, nobody goes down there any more. I'll bring you food and water. I'd appreciate the company. As for getting home... I think you should talk to the Witch Princess."
Thunder rumbled ominously outside.

[Toaster Boy]

Haha, nice man. Its so funny to read about Saffy and his misery.

[Micaiya]

Awesome. I hope you keep writing because this is so much fun to read! =]

[Hasfusel]

"Gone on holiday?"
Saffy stared at the handpainted sign on the door of the little shed as the rain lashed at his face. He pulled up the hood of the pink slicker Lumina had lent him. He rubbed his eyes, but the sign didn't go away. "What the hell?"
How could she be on holiday? He needed to get home! Kicking the door angrily (and wincing at the pain; the door was thick oak) he turned and set off down the path. So there was a witch capable of magic that could send him home. It was impossible, but so was getting here in the first place and the little green men who'd accosted him.
And then a thought struck him. Maybe the little men knew about all of this! After all, they'd been all sparkly and everything. And that treehouse of theirs was just along the path, right?
He set off down the path, a determined frown on his face.

* * *

Guts looked at Saffy over the rim of his glasses. "I'm sorry, sir, but if you want our help you'll need medals. You can buy them in the Casino for 10G each."
Saffy looked at the little bag of coins Lumina had given him, along with a note marked 10000G. The bag was quite heavy. "Casino, you say?"
"Yup. Budum. Talk to the casino sprite to get your medals."
Saffy smiled. Casinos were more his thing. He'd been to a few before back in Ontario, and often spend a little at the slot machines. Once you worked out the pattern they were easy, and he would usually walk away a few dollars richer. Maybe this little place had slot machines too.
He walked into the Sprite Casino.
There were three little tables where a sprite dressed in fitting clothes was sitting and counting little golden tokens. There was a desk at the far end, where another sprite sat with his arms folded. Saffy walked up to him.
"Have you come to buy medals or trade them in for a prize?" asked the little man.
"I'd... like to buy some, please." replied Saffy. He upended the bag of coins onto the table and took the note out of his pocket. "How many will this buy me?"
The little sprite inspected the pile of coins and the note. "You can have about 1500 medals for this," he said, handing Saffy a bag full of small golden medallions. "There's Poker, Blackjack and our most fun and challenging game of all, Pairs."
Saffy looked at the little tables. He'd once tried a game of Poker in Ontario, and had thought he was doing just fine until he lost $100. He had then sworn never to play again. But... These little men couldn't be that good at card games, anyway? And the minimum starting bet was just 10 medals! He had one and a half thousand. Plenty to spare. If he wasn't doing well he could just as easily stop and play Pairs.
Smiling, he walked over to the Poker table and sat down, counting out ten of the little medallions and sliding them in front of him. The sprite smiled and dealt him five cards. The suits appeared to be cups of tea, medals, and sprites. He examined his cards. A King, a Jack, a Seven, and two Nines. That was a pair. He gave back the King, Jack and Seven and received two Eights and a Queen back. He showed the sprite his cards.
"Two pairs, eh?" exclaimed the sprite. "You get 20 medals back! Now, do you want to double up?"
"Uh... what's that?" asked Saffy.
"I reveal a card and you guess whether the next one is higher or lower. If you win you get double your winnings. If you lose I keep your medals. You can keep doubling up to win such prizes as Cabbage seeds, Bell Pepper seeds and even" - here the sprite spoke in an excited whisper - "Pineapple seeds!"
Saffy shrugged. "Okay."
The card was a Jack, so Saffy guessed low. The second card was a Seven.
"Well done! You have forty medals of winnings now. Double again or quit?" asked the sprite.
"I'll try again." replied Saffy, smiling. He was beginning to enjoy this.
The next card was a Three.
"High, of course," said Saffy.
The second card was a Two.
"Wha-at?!" Saffy was aghast. Impossible!
The sprite shrugged. "Better luck next time."
Ah well, Saffy thought. Surely he'd easily win back what he'd lost? "I'll play again," he said. No problem. And he could give it up any time, right?

* * *

Half an hour later, he'd lost all his medals.

[Toaster Boy]

Silly Saffy. Gambling is not good for those with no luck.

[Saffy]

So you're suggesting if I find a way to increase my luck I should gamble?

[Hasfusel]

Saffy sat outside with his head in his hands. It'd just seemed so easy. But now, he had nothing left. It looked like he'd have to beg for some more money from Lumina. He sighed.
A comforting hand patted him on the back. "Don't worry, moi."
Saffy looked up into a wide, smiling, bearded face. A small, rugged man was standing over him. "Wh..who are you?" Saffy asked.
"Murrey's name is Murrey, mine. Don't worry, moi. Murrey loses often also."
"Y-you do?"
"Plenty of times, moi. Murrey is not good at the cards. But Murrey is good cook, says fat man in purple suit. Here."
Murrey offered Saffy half of a sandwich. It smelled delicious but looked rather suspect, so Saffy waved it away.
"Not hungry, moi?" Murrey seemed taken aback.
"No, thank you." replied Saffy. It was beginning to rain again. "Hey... do you know any way I could get home?"
"You're from away too, moi? Murrey also misses his family, mine."
"Really?" Saffy looked up.
"Murrey is saving up to go home, moi. But he also makes wish to the Goddess."
"Goddess?" Oh, great, Saffy thought. These guys are evangelists too.
"Throw a present in the pond and make a wish, moi. Sometimes pretty lady appears, sometimes Murrey falls in." Murrey began to walk away. "Has to be good present though. Don't give boots. Murrey tried once and pretty lady slapped him."
"Huh." Saffy looked at the gently rippling waters of the pond. The poor man must be out of his mind; he seemed to believe that there was a goddess living in the pond. Well, it was worth a try. Saffy looked around, and found a bunch of flowers growing nearby. He picked them and tossed them into the pool. They sank, and the waters parted amid sparkles of colour...
"Tadaaa!" A beautiful woman with green hair dressed in silks and, for some odd reason, grapes, emerged from the pool. "I am the Harvest Goddess, noble traveller," she spoke in a voice as soft as summer rain. "I thank you for your gift. How may I help you?"
Saffy stared, mouth wide open, until he regained his senses. He had to be dreaming, but it was worth a try. "I... I'd like to go home," he said, stammering. The woman smiled.
"Certainly. I shall send y-"
"Ανάθεμά σας με την πιο βαθιά βάθη των ωκεανών!" A voice thundered out of the nearby bushes, and out burst a pretty, bedraggled looking young woman with long, golden hair, black robes and a witch's hat. The Harvest Goddess stopped, mouth open, and began to turn pale. Her skin turned the colour of stone, and she dropped into the pool with a loud splash, soaking Saffy with water and leaving a small fish spluttering on his head.
The witch frowned. "It was supposed to make her shut up," she said, shaking her head. "but once again, she turns to stone. Why in the name of me does that keep on happening?" The witch noticed Saffy, standing wet and aghast. "Hey, who are you?" she asked, annoyed. "Another one of my sister's wellwishers? Well, you can take this! Μπορεί να σας αποσταλεί κάπου μακριά και ήπια δυσάρεστα!"
The world vanished into darkness.

When Saffy awoke, the first thing he noticed was that the world was still really dark. The second thing he noticed in the very dim light was that he was in some sort of mine. The third thing he noticed was that a small, grey chicken was angrily trying to peck his head open. Vegetarian or not, he swatted the angry chicken aside and inspected his surroundings. The witch had sent him into some old mining tunnels. There was a small trapdoor set into the ceiling, with a rope ladder hanging from it. He began to climb the ladder, and opened the trapdoor, finding himself in - yes, another tunnel, with another trapdoor in the ceiling and another chicken, albeit one that was sleeping. However...
A pretty young girl with long, dark hair was asleep on a large double bed in the middle of the room. There was a small sign next to her. Saffy walked up and read it. It said, Please bring me a finest curry and some relaxation tea. Then bring me jewels and gold. Only then will I be your bride.
"Well, screw this." Saffy tossed the sign aside, and started towards the trapdoor. Reconsidering, he stopped and went back to the bed before exiting the tunnel. When the girl awoke, she would find herself completely naked, and minus her panties.

* * *

I should, like, totally get a creative medal for this.

[Zangetsu]

And when Saffy was catching Zs had a wierd dream about Cloud fighting Vincent Valintine while in his pajamas

[Headtrip]

At least Saf's not wearing her bra? Right? Um, right?

[Zangetsu]

Then when Saffy woke he said, "Dude
I need a dounut, a whopper,and large fries!"

[Hasfusel]

Zangestu-whatever: spam in someone else's thread, it'll be more entertaining. Besides, that kind of food isn't healthy, you're only reinforcing a stereotype.
Domeki: afraid I can't answer that one.

-------------------------------------------------

Saffy wandered down the path, whistling merrily. It was a sunny day, and he had a perfectly reasonable excuse to be happy despite being trapped in what was potentially another world. The trees cast cool shadows on the neat little path, which was surrounded by flowers and colourful grasses. Saffy had experimented with eating the coloured grasses earlier (in the chance that he was already under the influence of hallucogenic drugs and taking what could potentially be some in the dream would wake him up and bring him back to reality in some kind of crazy paradox thing) and found them to be actually quite edible. Somehow, they appeared to be colour coded to taste: the blue ones tasted blue, the red ones tasted red and so on. It was a strange phenomenon, but he could actually taste the colour. Green tasted minty and refreshing, blue tasted mild and sort of like lavander, and purple was remeniscient of grapes and made him feel calm, while red was rather spicy and gave him a light head. Tasting a combination of two sorts at once provided a new taste altogether, and this occupied him for half an hour or so until he eventually came to rest at the side of a pond.
"Wonder if there's a woman in this one too," he said idly to himself, and tossed in a pebble. He waited a few seconds but nothing happened. He turned to leave... and a whooshing noise filled the air as an ugly green, scaly fishy kind of man appeared above the water, rubbing his head.
"Do you mind?" it asked angrily in a voice like water foaming down a stream. "I've had a bad enough day already without people throwing stones at me. What do you want?"
Having seen little men in colourful bobble hats, beautiful women rising from pools, witches with anger management problems and magical, ambiguously camp thieves with silver hair in the past two days, Saffy was completely unfased by the apparition above the pond. "Just passing by," he said, smiling at the green man. "Sorry about that, it was an accident."
"Go on, I know that everyone who comes here wants a wish. That's not me, you have to see the Goddess about that. I'm just the Kappa. Nobody cares about my feelings."
"Oh, I'm sure that's not true," said Saffy, sitting down on a fallen log. Part of him felt that there was something insintrically wrong with having conversations with green men who lived in ponds, especially ones who looked like something out of a 60s horror movie with a name like Creature of the Black Lake!!!!! although admittedly without plastic cups sewn on.
"Well... to be honest I'm having problems relating to people," said the Kappa. "I'm a very lonely person... I keep waiting for a lovely lady to come by but none ever do, and even if they did, they'd take one look at me and run away. They wouldn't have a chance to actually get to know me. I'm a very nice person on the inside." One large wet teardrop dribbled from a large yellow eye.
"Don't worry," said Saffy. "I'm sure it will work out all right. You have to-"
But the Kappa was already sinking back into his pond. Disheartened, Saffy set off back down the path.

[Hasfusel]

Saffy trudged down the path. The euphoria of the coloured grasses was beginning to wear off, and it was beginning to rain. A wind whipped up, blowing his jacket behind him. The rain lashed against him, and he went off the path to seek shelter in the woods.
Sinking down underneath the relative cover of a large oak tree, Saffy closed his eyes, and soon fell asleep to the song of the coming storm.

He opened his eyes, and realised at once that he was home, except only better: his roommates had actually gone to the bother of tidying their shared residence, and a delicious Italian style meal was laid on the table. He sat down and began to tuck in with a passion. There was the most excellent minestrone soup for starters, with the croutons just how he liked them. After finishing the soup, he went on to the sundried vegetable lasagne, unbelievably at eating temperature for once. There was tiramisu for dessert, and the whole dinner was rounded off by the most superb red wine, with hints of strawberries and blackcurrant.
He sat back in his chair with a sigh, and closed his eyes, idly wondering what the special occasion was. Perhaps his homecoming was being celebrated, and this was a party planned in his honor. Where are the others? he thought. And why is my face so wet?

And then he opened his eyes, and realised that he was still under the tree. He was rather soaked; the storm had only gotten worse, and the tree hadn't turned out to be such a good shelter after all.
He got up, wincing at the pain in his back, and set off again, in search of somewhere to stay before he froze to death.

[Hasfusel]

does anyone actually read this or am I wasting my time? like that time when I wrote a massive letter to someone and then found out they'd moved house, and I had to write another letter asking the new residents to send back my original letter because I didn't want to write it again and they never replied? that was a waste of time.