My Untitled Story, Who wants to help me! Options

[Charmy]

Lolzies. Thanx. Be pleased to see your comments (Even if they are criticsizing (<No clue how to spell) me)!

EDIT: Ooh! Two pages.

[Midnight Dreamer]

Wow, Charmy! Your story is really good. Please keep writing it.

[Totoro Spirit]

I like it. The grammar is 'meh' but I understand, so I won't complain. The main thing I see is you need to work on you fade-ins and fade-outs. And you use 'shakes head' a little too much. But an excellent base! I think you're doing very well.

I'll tell you if I think of a title. (IMG:style_emoticons/default/lalasmile.gif)

This post has been edited by Totoro Spirit: Sep 12 2008, 06:08 PM

[Charmy]

I don't really know what else to put for "Shakes heads"...
And exactly what do you mean by the fading thing? Stupidy strikes me again.

Thanx youse two for responding, I will write more now since my inspiration is back.

[Totoro Spirit]

By fade-in/fade-out, I mean the parts of the story where you go from one scene to another. And yes, another way to put shakes head is a problem...perhaps try looking for words that mean the same as 'shake' to add some different words.

[Charmy]

I'll use my handy thesurous. ...Someone tell me how to spell that.
Some of thing are meant to be a tad sudden. But, yeah, I'll try fading out some more. Thanx!

[Charmy]

Yay! Thesaurus!
Alrighty. I will do this part of the story slowly, because idea's went away. So, IDEA'S!



'...Anastacia?' Anastacia mumbles slowly then jumps up from the bed noticing Capri standing in front of her. 'It's morning now.' Anastacia shook her head in fear.
'Anastacia?' Anastacia sighs and asks what to do now. Capri shrugs.
'We could go outside.' Anastacia looks out the window and see's people walking past. She goes and stares out the window and forgets about Capri. Capri walks downstairs and see's Hannah walkig around.
'Mmm... So hungry.'
'Should I make you breakfast?' Hannah turns around and see's Capri and nods. She walks over to the kitchen and starts making some wheat for Hannah to eat while she sat on a chair halve asleep.
Anastacia stops looking out the window and starts looking for Capri. As she goes downstairs she stares at Hannah.
'Hannah, get your head up. Here's you breakfast.' Capri places the food onto the table and brushes Hannah's hair. Anastacia puts her head down feeling empty inside. Capri looks at Anastacia and asks if she is hungry? She nods then slwoly walks over to the table. She sits on the chair and fiddles with her fingers. 'How are you feeling Anastacia?' She looks over at Capri.
'Umm...' She starts to mumble words until Capri gives her some food to eat. She eats it in a rush then places her hand over her stomach. It's aching and is hurting her. Capri looks over at her and ask how she is feeling, as she can see that something is wrong. 'M-My stomach hurts.'
'Why don't you lay down.' She helps Anastacia over to the couch and gets her some water to drink. As she receives the glass of water she slowly falls asleep.

[Charmy]

I haven't been writing my story *ashamed of self*



The girl ran to catch up to two cats running in the forest. 'Leo! Gemini!' She calls. She sighs then chases back after them.
One of the cats, which was white, soon stopped playing with the other cat because it was exhausted. The other cat, Gemini, kept on pouncing. The girl rested when she got to the cats. She picked up Leo and watched Gemini pounce. She laughed.
She soon looked around, and saw all the tall tree's around her. She stared up at the sky and watched the sun. She shook her head, then said with a worried voice. 'Where am I?'