My Untitled Story, Who wants to help me! Options

[Charmy]

Well, who wants to help me make my story better or help me edit it. I know that sounds boring but it'll be funner than you think. Anyone can add in ideas but warning, I may not use 'em. So BEWARE!
Well, the story is like a show, it doesn't just doesn't focus on one person it focus on a couple, so don't get confused. I got my idea from Twilight's RPG (Thankyou!).
Now, it does get a bit creepy, before I add a creepy part to the story, like blood or dead bodies, try not to read if you don't wanna.
Now, this is also a place where you can just read my story and not help me (Dam you!) Anyway, here is the beginning part:



'Isn't it so beautiful...'
'Yeah.' Erin turns his head to his love. Capri is staring at the sky
clueless of it all. 'Capri...' Capri turns her head to Erin 'D-do you think...'
'Do I think what?'
'Do you think that... Anything co-could happen with...'
'With who?' Erin was slightly frustrated, and was finding it hard to speak. Capri was looking at him, wondering what he was going to say. Capri was halve-knee deep in the water while Erin was on the grass. He came forward to Capri. He looked at the sky when Capri was staring at him. 'Yes?'
Erin thinks about all the times when thet were little. They had been best friends from when they first met. He was hoping that he wouldn't destroy any of that.
'Do you think you could love me?' Capri looked out to the moon. Capri was silent, and Erin looked down into the water and watched her reflection. He had saw her walk over to him, he turned around to her. 'Do you?' Capri smiles and puts her hand on his cheek. She kissed him in the moonlight. They wrapped their arms around eachover and kissed. When their lips left eachover Capri said I do. Erin smiles, Capri smiles, they then walk off deeper in Kischt forest.



So, what do you think so far?

[Totoro Spirit]

I like it. The grammar is 'meh' but I understand, so I won't complain. The main thing I see is you need to work on you fade-ins and fade-outs. And you use 'shakes head' a little too much. But an excellent base! I think you're doing very well.

I'll tell you if I think of a title. (IMG:style_emoticons/default/lalasmile.gif)

This post has been edited by Totoro Spirit: Sep 12 2008, 06:08 PM